Life?

Posted on by Shreyy

I’ve been thinking a lot about life and the reason for my existence. This blog is just my mind seeking a platform to lay out its’ emotions.

I’m sure we all go through this at many time-points in our lives. Something we like to call mid-life or quarter-life crisis. I hear that we recover from this and move on. Lately i haven’t found my exit out of this crisis. What happens to us when we die? What is happening to us right now defining that we’re alive? Why does it hurt in a gut-wrentching way to see our loved ones die? How do we deal with guilt, pain, loss, betrayal, loneliness? Does it all ever get better or is this the best I can have it?

Those are just some of the umpteen questions that my mind asks in a span of 5 minutes. But what is my purpose in this life? Why was I put on this planet with the specific set of people that I was destined to meet? What could’ve happened if my parents never met? Would never have being born been a better option? Why wasn’t I given the option? Do we ever really get answers to these or just move on to the regularly-scheduled paths that we’re required to take in order to survive?

I remember as a kid, my grandad used to pick up his newspaper everyday and open the orbituary page first. I’d ask him why? He’d say, ” I just want to keep check on which one of my generation I’ve lost each day. You see one day I’ll end up on that page”. I picked up that habit from him until I stopped reading papers of course. When he died, naturally I frantically went through the papers in which it was published and wanted to look at him up there. This is my quirk now. Pick up a newspaper, go to the orbituary first. Why do we have these weird little quirks? What’s the point since we all return to dust one day anyway?

Life just seems like a waste of time. We all believe we’re in control of how we spend it, but in reality we’re just here to play a part that was already written for us. Some of us are dealt the personality to follow whereas the rest who simply have to have control over everything, will have trouble dealing with this fact. We keep imagining how we would’ve done things differently should we get a second chance. The fact is that I wouldn’t. I’ve come too far now to not want to see how it all unfolds. I want to see how the people I’ve met, end up in life. I also want to see how my own life turns out and to what end.

Just knowing that whatever is meant to happen, will most certainly happen, gives me a sense of zero control. But i’m okay with that now. I still question life mutiple times and have come too close to seeing it flash before my eyes. In time, I hope my purpose becomes clearer and I leave earth with a sense of knowing rather than not. Because as I’ve come to realize each day, “It’s much later than you think”.

– Shreyy.

Resting face

Posted on by Shreyy

Its been a while since I found a way to type my feelings out. This has been a long year. December has been a heavy month. I’ve had a major move across the world. Met my soulmate. Gave my whole self into my studies and I find myself lonely in this new city, country and continent. I feel as if I’ve left my heart back home and in a different time zone where its inaccessible.

Its like all life has been removed from me. I’m just a functional body with a brain. I miss the summer beaches. I’m now stuck in a place where all four seasons express themselves and sweat rolls off my arms instead of evaporating. I find myself living on the phone because my whole life lives in it, back home. Celebrated my first diwali away. Today’s my first christmas away. The weather outside accurately expresses my feelings. I’ve found my face has gone to its resting state. I’m unable to force it to smile or laugh or feel confused, but the tears roll down uncontrollably. Nothing in life right now seems to go the way I plan it to. Do you ever feel like you don’t have absolutely any control over things like death and therefore must prepare for it in any way? You’d be right to do so. It helps give closure to our loved ones to know that maybe it wasn’t so sudden but that you were prepared for it. If you’ve followed me long enough, you’ll know that I’m a thanatophobic. Staying this far away makes that worse. I’m leaving this as a sort of impromtu ‘Will’ just in case something unpredicted should happen in the gun-driven country of USA. I request that my things be divided amongst my parents and Pumpkin. They’ll know what. Being a thanatophobic also means that I fear the death of my loves ones constantly. What happens if it happens when I’m here, 3000 miles away? What if the flight fares are too high for me to afford it? Will they get it over with before I get a chance to say goodbye? All these thoughts hit me all the time and stay in my head for as long as I breathe.

Should you ever feel like you’re empty and a shell of a human on the inside, you can count on feeling heard, on my next few blogs. I’ve always picked up the keyboard at my lowest times and this life seems to have a lot more of those times in-store. We’ve been through this so many times. All I can say is, know that you’re not alone when it comes to feeling lonely.

– Shreyy.

Same place, different city?

Posted on by Shreyy

It took me two whole months and 3 extra days to finally pick up my typewriter -mode on. It’s been two months and 3 days since I moved to Bangalore-the city of… well, the city of depression. Took me two weeks to get over my home-sickness after which, I finally opened up myself to a bunch of people, at work. It was the toughest thing I’d ever done, to open up myself to new people with a whole life full of possibilites ahead of us, knowing full well that nothing ever lasts forever.

We had our moments, to be honest. We did lose a few too. I wish to forget everything that has ever happened here, but I can’t. Was it my mistake to let myself care a little too much about people I knew were about to leave my life sooner than later? Of course it was. But it was a conscious choice that I made, to remain true to myself no matter what. To feel different kinds of pains at the same places or to feel the same kind of pain from different experiences. As I grow older, I realise, the fear of falling never stopped me from cycling on highways. Likewise, I’ve made-up my head to open my heart to the possibility of getting hurt by anyone. Or so I thought.

Here I am, a year after all the pain and misery from one, four years from a trauma I don’t think will ever stop scarring me, getting hurt all over again. It feels like I keep going back to the same place no matter which route I take. Why does this have to be so hard? But then, if everything went the way someone wanted it to, would that life peak at the satisfaction of all the lessons that they missed?

This is just a rant. I’m doing fine now. Needed to get this off my chest. My experience in Bangalore is now getting much better. I’m exploring the city, made a new “Tiny” friend and I’ve learnt to ignore things that hurt me.

– Shreyy, who is warming up to the Garden city.

Redefining that zest for life.

Posted on by Shreyy

No life advices here. Let’s just vibe.

Has it been a long time since your eyes felt dry? It feels like your head could explode from all these new emotions that just don’t seem to go away. You try to think of a time when you didn’t have to analyze your stature in life, to be able to get through each day. The pain seems never-ending and you just want this to be over. But you’re afraid of what will be if you took the easy one-way ticket out of this. So you look (re-look) for a purpose in life.

“What did I do to deserve this?”, you’ll ask. Most often than not, you probably never deserved what’s been torturing you for this long. You’ll feel nasty thoughts that would’ve never matched your original personality. You’ll look into the mirror one day and won’t recognize that person anymore. Its okay. Its hard to comprehend change, let alone something this drastic. The pain keeps building up no matter what you do. You can’t bury it, over-shadow it or give it away to someone else, no matter how much you wish you could. They say time can heal it, but you know deep down that it won’t.

When you slip sometimes and people start noticing something’s wrong, you think that maybe, just maybe opening up will make things better. Then when you do, you feel this enormous regret. The pain from the fact that people cannot go through one sentence without relating with you and telling you their problems, hits you differently. And if you can’t afford a therapist or your guardians just don’t get why you need one, things get tighter. You’ll hate yourself for opening up in the first place, because no matter how much people tell you they’ll be there for you, unless they’ve practice handling such situations, they really aren’t up for it.

If you’re someone who gets physical-health issues triggered because of your depression, I feel truly sorry for you. Failure to take care of yourself leads to a dark place where you keep questioning your ability to handle anything in life. You’re embarrassed to let yourself think that you’re not able to get through any activity because of this ever-consuming sadness. You start to imagine what life would’ve been like if you never went through what you had to. You try to look for outlets to let things go from your head, to be able to rest for the night.

When you seem to find no possible outlet or answer or an ending, your mind tells you to give up. I don’t blame you. They say when you crave something, its your body’s way of letting you know that particular ingredient is lacking. So when you resolve to end your life, its not entirely your mind’s decision alone. Your mind is trained to make sure you come to a logical conclusion. But sometimes you end up doing otherwise, because your body interferes in the decision-making. Same applies for when you decide to commit suicide. Your body physically cannot handle the pain that its experiencing for such prolonged durations. So all logic goes out the door.

How do I know exactly how you’re feeling? It’s because no matter how much you think you’re all alone in this at the moment, just know there are countless others going through something similar. Sure, the reasons for experiencing them will definitely vary from person to person. That is why I ask you this. No matter how much you think your problems are bigger than planet Jupiter, don’t ever compare them with others’ problems. Never. Don’t ever think for even one second that doing it will help you heal. Not only will it not help you, it’ll probably also slow the process of healing for the other person.

I’m not telling you that one solution is better than the other. You do whatever you see fit, without affecting your closest living beings. For most of you, this has an end. For the others, there’s no point in exercising denial. You’ll have to live with this for the rest of your life. Think of it this way. Each of us come from such different walks of life. Not one of us has a life equal to someone else. Yet somehow, come every dawn, the world goes on. Think of this pain as that “Unique Something” that you’re going to have to use to the best of your abilities. Make the most of this pain. Not everyone is lucky enough to have it. I see this as luck because it’ll give you an edge somewhere in life, trust me. There’s always a purpose for anything that happens even if you may not see it right now. “Hold onto the bigger picture” as someone I trust, once told me.

That’s all. If you’ve landed at this blog, that’s progress. You’re searching. You’re willing to give it your all before giving in. Keep looking until you don’t have to anymore. Life may seem zestless right now. All I ask is for you to redefine the zest in your life and tailor it to fit your specific needs. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. Ping me back if you have to. Let’s talk.

– Shreyy, who still tries.

Thanatophobia

Posted on by Shreyy

What is Thanatophobia? It is the fear of dying with respect to oneself or a loved one. This means the death hasn’t happened yet but you undergo stages of mental trauma that come from a potential death in the future. I’ve noticed that, unlike other fears, this one doesn’t start until that point in life when the individual learns of what death is and how it affects those who loved the deceased. Let’s break it down.

THE DISCOVERY : Most humans destined to have thanatophobia are lucky enough to fully understand death only in their late-teen years or early-twenties. Others are forced to grow up at an early age, from witnessing a close one’s death in itself, or having the input of death some other way. This stage of discovery almost immediately sets off the phobia in them, leading to constant imagination of what could possibly go wrong. Think of it like this: You go through a lot of people in life before landing you’re trusty set of confidantes. But when you meet them, you instantly know its them. It feels so meant to be. That’s how this fear works. You didn’t know you had it in you until it finally comes.

THE IMAGINATION : This is the hardest part. Once the fear sets in, the mind gets directed to imagine all ways that each one of your loved ones or yourself could possibly die. When the person’s mind isn’t occupied with some other task, it jumps to doing the above. Let’s look at it in two branches. One branch deals with the death of your loved ones wherein you picture them getting hurt in so much detail, it physically hurts you to even let them go out of your sight, for the fear of it coming true. The other branch deals with picturing your own death over and over, mostly through different scenarios. But its’ also possible to trigger another underlying fear, (say Acrophobia_fear of heights) and use this alone to fuel your imaginations of death.

THE OMNI-FEAR : This phase is the pinacle of this phobia’s torture. Picture this: You’re having a lovely time with person A. “A” is a really close companion and qualifies as your confidante. Both of you are currently about to make an amazing memory (say a long drive with coffee). The moment you start doing anything nice with them, your mind automatically thinks one of two things. 1. How bad could this activity turn out, so much so that it kills one or both of you. 2. What’s the point of making this happy memory, since it’ll only hurt when they die…leading to imagining all other possible ways to lose them. This ruins the moment for the phobic. The only happy moments they have will be with those they don’t care for much.

THE CURE/ACCEPTANCE : I do have to tell you that it gets better. Only the beginning tends to be that bad. Once you’ve seen it enough times, it’s like an old movie playing at the back of your mind all the time: you learn how to fade it out with other thoughts or you simply come to accept oblivion and move on with life. This isn’t really a cure, but its more like learning to live with an eternally recurring scar (like an ever returning Menstrual cycle).

– Shreyaa, a thanatophobic.

The masks we wear.

Posted on by Shreyy

The other day, while dad went grocery shopping, I observed the street from our vehicle. Seeing each and every unknown face on the road, draped with masks, got me thinking. Got me wondering about the layers of characters that exist within all of us.

Some of the layers happen to be a constant necessary. A classic example is the work-home decorum. One may behave well at home as well, but it still doesn’t come close to the ethics that play at work.

Other layers are just excuses we use to favor different situations in life. This may sometimes apply to the masks we wear to suit different people in our lives. This may work out for socially well-off people, but doesn’t do much for them personally.

Only rarely do people behave the same way with all characters in their story. This person usually ends up losing a lot of people who cannot accept the reality of individuality that defines humans. This person follows cringy sayings that say, “Do not change yourself to meet others’ needs. Stay yourself and the right people will find you appealing for who you are”. I don’t blame them at all. It is technically easier to maintain just one mask on. Changing up causes trouble with keeping track of ‘who knows you how’.

These tough times are taking a toll on all of us whether we choose to accept it or not. We all miss getting our sense of tactile, active. That human touch, that hug or a shared snack. Even if this pandemic subsides, it seems impossible right now to get back to normal.

In the words of Margaret Carter, “The world has changed. None of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes the best that we can do is to start over”. For better or worse, this is the life that we’re going to have to learn to live. If you think about it, that is what life in itself means. It entails doing what’s never been done before and to then own it. We’ve got to put this behind us, move on, as we usually do, but only this time with masks on.

– Shreyy…

Lucifer

Posted on by Shreyy

This blog will focus not on the literal meaning of “Lucifer” (Light-bringing morning star), but on what occurred on a dark morning during the Pandemic of 2020. Years from now, no matter what has changed, I want to be able to remember this day, as detailed as possible.

It was May 5th, 2020. My day started at 12 AM, when most people retire to their beds. As a 21-year old with 10 years of experimenting with my sleep schedule, I had finally decided that tucking in and drifting off early helped me have a well-accommodated day and did its part to heal my ever-growing stomach ulcers. So, what did keep me up that morning?

I had come across an element that was novel to me in the general sense. I was so caught up in trying to decode this element. Its characteristics, its fluency of language and its maturity. I think this element is worth revolving this whole blog around, because I found it at a point where I didn’t think it was possible to accept anything new.

The year 2020 had been cruel to humanity in general. Our lives were toppled as we stared into the vastness of oblivion. Dare I say that it even put us in our place. It’s sad that such an evolved species didn’t realize they needed a reality check too. But this year was devastating to me, for whole other reasons. I lost a part of me in January. I had almost had to witness a parent’s death on my birthday. Not that it would’ve been less devastating on any other day, just would’ve been less poetic. All these circumstances, along with my graduation and future career decisions coming up ahead, convinced me that I shouldn’t get too attached to anyone to the point that their absence would physically hurt.

Which brings us back to May 5th. Lucifer, the element, somehow broke the most important barriers, all in a morning’s worth. I don’t want to go into more details, for the most important ones are etched in memory forever. My morning ended when the sun’s rays hit the horizon. It was a georgeous sun-rise, I agreed.

– Shreyy, hoping that when she reads this in future, Earth is in a much better form.

P.S.: Dad if you ever read this, This is the day I finally finished creating our family jigsaw puzzle from scratch. I need you to assemble the pieces with their backs facing up. Trust me. ❤

One’s Inner-Death

Posted on by Shreyy

What makes us human? If you think about it, this question alongside the reasoning of our existence, has been one of the most haunting questions ever. Of course like all questions with such depth, this one’s answer varies with individual humans.

If it were upto me, I’d say our intellectuality to choose the way we express our feelings is what makes us human.

Grief:

– When one grieves, she/he might get angry. They seek revenge over an unfair situation. They plunge their hands at unbreakable things, to let their feelings flow out as a stream. How else could this make any sense?

– Some might wallow for ages, in solidarity, so as to not bring others into the picture for personal reasons or for common value of others’ time. These are the quiet ones who cry when night falls and try their hardest to put up a false front to hide their emotions.

– Others find happiness in sharing their feelings out loud. They tend to feel it to be freeing when others share their experience. Knowing that they aren’t in this alone, gives a sense of soothing.

Grief’s Ineffable nature:

When you’re trying to process what has been happening or what has already happened, for far too long, it’s a sign that your brain simply cannot accept whatever it is that you’re going through. When you’ve been with someone for a considerable amount of time and they’re suddenly gone with no sensible explanation, your brain hurts. It’s as if someone stabbed your brain and regions near your heart, with a very sharp metaphorical knife.

This can be combined with the inablity to explain why you like someone so much, that it hurts to such an unbelievable extent when they’re absent. You might be able to come with terms with their absence eventually, if they died. But if they leave your life to stay alive in someone else’s, it kills you in a whole other level.(Imagine burning alive for instance).

I have no advice on this blog. Sometimes, pain demands to be felt!

– Shreyy, …

–

To all the broken hearts…

Posted on by Shreyy

To all the broken hearts out there, I write this blog to reassure you that you are most certainly not alone. At least not alone in going through this phase. That’s right, it’s only a phase, no matter how long it lasts, know that it always has an end.

IF YOU’RE A BROKEN HEART :

Cheers to you for earning a new experience. Don’t ever be hard on yourself for making a wrong choice. Always look at your choices as lessons. If you’re lucky you might learn it the first time. If not, it’s okay to learn it slowly and properly because it is often these people who’ll know the value of love even better.

Don’t ever burden yourself alone. If you feel like you can make it out on your own, try sharing it with trustworthy friends. You’ll find that much more refreshing. It is often better if you shared it with a confidante of the same gender. Opposite sexes usually don’t see eye-to-eye on heart breaks when it comes to reasoning. So if you want to be talked-up, find your friend with similar physical features.

IF YOU’RE DEALING WITH A BROKEN-HEARTED PERSON :

Try to be compassionate to them. They have just lost the constant company of a loved one. You’d understand this if you’ve been through this yourself, but if you haven’t, try being emphathetic. Some people may have understanding exes who take care of each other. Some are left utterly in the dark with no sense of closure.

All everyone wants is to be loved, wanted and to be missed when they’re not around. It isn’t too much to ask, but to the lucky ones I say, it is quite difficult for most cases. So treat everyone you know kindly. You never know how much of a cut they’ve endured.

– Shreyy, in a quiet place now.

Mistakes are necessary.

Posted on by Shreyy

I write this to encourage all those who feel lost or unworthy due to the bad choices they make.

I cannot emphasize this enough number of times for it to matter to people, but mistakes are absolutely necessary to be able to reach your goal. Sure some people may tell you they’re avoidable. But I for one can tell you that making mistakes have made the lessons learnt so much clearer.

This applies to relationships, work, career, family, friendships and any decision for that matter.

If you don’t get it in you first try, never give up. Try as many times as you need to, to make your dreams come true.

– Shreyy, learning from her mistakes.