Its been a while since I found a way to type my feelings out. This has been a long year. December has been a heavy month. I’ve had a major move across the world. Met my soulmate. Gave my whole self into my studies and I find myself lonely in this new city, country and continent. I feel as if I’ve left my heart back home and in a different time zone where its inaccessible.
Its like all life has been removed from me. I’m just a functional body with a brain. I miss the summer beaches. I’m now stuck in a place where all four seasons express themselves and sweat rolls off my arms instead of evaporating. I find myself living on the phone because my whole life lives in it, back home. Celebrated my first diwali away. Today’s my first christmas away. The weather outside accurately expresses my feelings. I’ve found my face has gone to its resting state. I’m unable to force it to smile or laugh or feel confused, but the tears roll down uncontrollably. Nothing in life right now seems to go the way I plan it to. Do you ever feel like you don’t have absolutely any control over things like death and therefore must prepare for it in any way? You’d be right to do so. It helps give closure to our loved ones to know that maybe it wasn’t so sudden but that you were prepared for it. If you’ve followed me long enough, you’ll know that I’m a thanatophobic. Staying this far away makes that worse. I’m leaving this as a sort of impromtu ‘Will’ just in case something unpredicted should happen in the gun-driven country of USA. I request that my things be divided amongst my parents and Pumpkin. They’ll know what. Being a thanatophobic also means that I fear the death of my loves ones constantly. What happens if it happens when I’m here, 3000 miles away? What if the flight fares are too high for me to afford it? Will they get it over with before I get a chance to say goodbye? All these thoughts hit me all the time and stay in my head for as long as I breathe.
Should you ever feel like you’re empty and a shell of a human on the inside, you can count on feeling heard, on my next few blogs. I’ve always picked up the keyboard at my lowest times and this life seems to have a lot more of those times in-store. We’ve been through this so many times. All I can say is, know that you’re not alone when it comes to feeling lonely.
– Shreyy.
Shreyy's Blog 