Redefining that zest for life.

No life advices here. Let’s just vibe.

Has it been a long time since your eyes felt dry? It feels like your head could explode from all these new emotions that just don’t seem to go away. You try to think of a time when you didn’t have to analyze your stature in life, to be able to get through each day. The pain seems never-ending and you just want this to be over. But you’re afraid of what will be if you took the easy one-way ticket out of this. So you look (re-look) for a purpose in life.

“What did I do to deserve this?”, you’ll ask. Most often than not, you probably never deserved what’s been torturing you for this long. You’ll feel nasty thoughts that would’ve never matched your original personality. You’ll look into the mirror one day and won’t recognize that person anymore. Its okay. Its hard to comprehend change, let alone something this drastic. The pain keeps building up no matter what you do. You can’t bury it, over-shadow it or give it away to someone else, no matter how much you wish you could. They say time can heal it, but you know deep down that it won’t.

When you slip sometimes and people start noticing something’s wrong, you think that maybe, just maybe opening up will make things better. Then when you do, you feel this enormous regret. The pain from the fact that people cannot go through one sentence without relating with you and telling you their problems, hits you differently. And if you can’t afford a therapist or your guardians just don’t get why you need one, things get tighter. You’ll hate yourself for opening up in the first place, because no matter how much people tell you they’ll be there for you, unless they’ve practice handling such situations, they really aren’t up for it.

If you’re someone who gets physical-health issues triggered because of your depression, I feel truly sorry for you. Failure to take care of yourself leads to a dark place where you keep questioning your ability to handle anything in life. You’re embarrassed to let yourself think that you’re not able to get through any activity because of this ever-consuming sadness. You start to imagine what life would’ve been like if you never went through what you had to. You try to look for outlets to let things go from your head, to be able to rest for the night.

When you seem to find no possible outlet or answer or an ending, your mind tells you to give up. I don’t blame you. They say when you crave something, its your body’s way of letting you know that particular ingredient is lacking. So when you resolve to end your life, its not entirely your mind’s decision alone. Your mind is trained to make sure you come to a logical conclusion. But sometimes you end up doing otherwise, because your body interferes in the decision-making. Same applies for when you decide to commit suicide. Your body physically cannot handle the pain that its experiencing for such prolonged durations. So all logic goes out the door.

How do I know exactly how you’re feeling? It’s because no matter how much you think you’re all alone in this at the moment, just know there are countless others going through something similar. Sure, the reasons for experiencing them will definitely vary from person to person. That is why I ask you this. No matter how much you think your problems are bigger than planet Jupiter, don’t ever compare them with others’ problems. Never. Don’t ever think for even one second that doing it will help you heal. Not only will it not help you, it’ll probably also slow the process of healing for the other person.

I’m not telling you that one solution is better than the other. You do whatever you see fit, without affecting your closest living beings. For most of you, this has an end. For the others, there’s no point in exercising denial. You’ll have to live with this for the rest of your life. Think of it this way. Each of us come from such different walks of life. Not one of us has a life equal to someone else. Yet somehow, come every dawn, the world goes on. Think of this pain as that “Unique Something” that you’re going to have to use to the best of your abilities. Make the most of this pain. Not everyone is lucky enough to have it. I see this as luck because it’ll give you an edge somewhere in life, trust me. There’s always a purpose for anything that happens even if you may not see it right now. “Hold onto the bigger picture” as someone I trust, once told me.

That’s all. If you’ve landed at this blog, that’s progress. You’re searching. You’re willing to give it your all before giving in. Keep looking until you don’t have to anymore. Life may seem zestless right now. All I ask is for you to redefine the zest in your life and tailor it to fit your specific needs. Don’t let anyone else define it for you. Ping me back if you have to. Let’s talk.

– Shreyy, who still tries.